My ode to ryobi

I find that care of a family lawn, if you want it to be good, is like winning a long-fought war with an enemy you thought you could have easily beaten twenty years before when you started. Only to realise, at the end, that the last one of your companions has just died of complications during surgery, and you are now the last one left. So sure, technically, you have won the war, but it's come at such a cost that you just wish you had never started fighting in the first place.
I came to this conclusion after spending an hour and a half battling a Ryobi wipper-snipper, only to have to give up in frustration with half the work done. This is not how it was supposed to be, is it?

I think the wipper-snipper is possibly the worst invention ever to come from the mind of man, and it doesn't matter what type of man you are, you all have had a bad experience with one. I know there'll be a lot of guys, with their chin up and chest out, who disagree with me and say they've never had a problem with one because that's exactly how manly they are – that the machines quake in fear of them – but they're lying. If you've used one, you've struggled with one. It's almost like we intentionally made it hard so we could always use the excuse of having to fixing the friggen wipper-snipper as to why we can't do it. Really, that means you just go into the shed and look at it with a mixture of contempt and fear, as it sits there with a stupid plastic look on it, as if it should be as easy to use a child's toy. I helped Little Mango 1 put together a Transformer once (along with five other adults) that was almost as touchy as a wipper-snipper. But, I got that looking like a robot at least. My learning curve with the wipper-snipper's has been long (I'll admit, it does take me a while with these sorts of things) but I'm slowly coming around it. Im getting well along in my education, so much so that I can probably help spell it out for other novice users, with my own little list of essential steps to whipper-snipper use. 

I know for certain that I've gotten past the first stage with flying colours, which is:

Lesson 1 – GETTING IT STARTED

To start the average wipper-snipper, you need patience, a touch of skill, and the blessing of the gods (I think there is one specifically to look after the use of garden implements). The first time you try, do the following: Prime the engine, set the lever to start. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. When it sounds like it is almost about to start, put the lever on to choke. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. When that doesn't work, exhale heavily, put it on the ground and contemplate it angrily. Then pick it up again and begin the process again. When you've done this sequence three times, drop it on the ground and kick it. Pick it up. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Pull the cord. Scream, drop it and walk inside. Fifteen minutes later come back and try the process again. This time when you put the choke on, stand on one foot with the other outstretched behind you and blink forty times. Now pull the cord and it will start. Now get something done quickly because you'll only have thirty seconds before the head of the wipper-snipper flies off, sending cord all over the yard, or the engine will cut out from overheating. Both are bad, because both will mean the engine shutting down, in which case you will have to begin the above process all over again. If you practice this once every two weeks for about six months you will come upon a sudden realisation and be at one with the wipper-snipper. But remember, every wipper-snipper is an individual so for every wipper-snipper you will need to go through this process again. Then you will have The knack. Which means you can pick up the whipper-snipper, pull the cord once and it will start. This is very effective if you let someone else borrow it and they haven't been through the above induction. Then, when you come to collect it and it is sitting out in the middle of the yard, surrounded by half cut edges where the person who borrowed it is trying desperately not to look, simply pick it up with a confident smile and a quirky wink of the eye and pull the cord to start. You will immediately look so much better than your counterpart. Then pass it to him, and leave before the engine cuts out again.

Now I've gotten past that, I can get my wipper-snipper (I call him Stupid) started every time, really easily. Now comes the second stage:

LESSON 2 – GENERAL OPERATION

The main trick of lesson 2 is to tidy up the yard in the quickest and least complicated way possible. Unfortunately, you are using a wipper-snipper, not some sort of precision instrument. The real trick to general operation is getting used to the bump-release (another brillian invention) - whereby you push down the head of the wipper-snipper while holding the throttle down so it releases cord. Don't ask me to explain how to do it because I can't explain it (what is this, some sort of How-to manual?) However you decide to do it, you can try it a thousand times and it won't work; you'll just be swearing at the machine, as you are doing exactly what you should be but it makes no difference. Then, after the fortieth time it will suddenly do it, and you can keep moving. Your brain will release a tiny bit of adrenaline and you'll feel manlier. Then you can continue with increased vigour, and a slightly elated lawn-dance as you keep going down the line, happy in the knowledge that next time you need to do it, you'll be prepared. Then, the next time you need to do it, you'll confidently make the moves, most likely in front of your wife or someone else you're trying to gain Alpha status over (or at least match), and you'll do it exactly same way you did it the time before, a funny little wave of the head cause you know how awesome you are, and nothing will happen. You'll look down and there's the same stubs of cord sticking out, like middle fingers staring up at you. You'll laugh it off and try again – that was just a practice, this time, no doubt it will be a whole lot easier to.... oh god, this is ridiculous, I'm doing it the same way??!!! What... what... what do I.... what's the... how do.... and so on until you continue on as if it's worked, go around the nearest corner and manually fix it. Do not be too concerned at this stage, because I don't think you ever get successfully past this step no matter how much practice you have. Besides, just after you have manually fixed the damn things and walk around the corner again, you'll hit the only rock in the yard and it will instantly release all of the cord all at once. Eventually you hit an equilibrium, where 20% of the time it will work, 60% of the time it won't, and the other 20% you'll find yourself having to go back to Step 1 again.

I'm pretty confident me and Stupid have succeeded in getting past Step 2 as well, which is a milestone for us I think. That leads us to the final step, where most people I know are at in their lives now.

STEP 3 – PULLING YOUR OWN HAIR OUT WITH A WIPPER-SNIPPER

Okay, this is not one of those do in any order sort of things, this step must and will only happen after the first two have been completed. Generally, the idea of this one is that when you begin this step you are very confident with the starting and operation of your wipper-snipper (if that's possible). This step sees everything loaded into a shotgun and blown to bits across the mostly-neat lawn. What happens in this step is a combination of the frustrations found in the first two steps, mixed up with completely new problems, some of which make no sense whatsoever. Going in with broad shoulders and puffed out chest, knowing exactly what you need to do, you find yourself getting half-way through the job quite unhindered – this step is to teach you humility. At the exact half-way point, the throttle will suddenly just kick in at an unstoppable pace without your hand on the trigger, at a speed which you didn't think it could go. So you should then stop it, struggle to get it started again and proceed on your way. At which point, the cord will connect with a particularly wily piece of turf, the head will fly off in one direction, the cord will unravel and fly off in the other and the engine will die again. Spend the next few minutes getting the cord back on again and repeat. After the third time, you'll get a bit further along, you'll bump the head and cord will come flying out like normal (maybe a bit more than needed, but still looking good) but ten seconds after continuing on the bolt holding the arm of the wipper-snipper will loosen, and it will swing around to face you. So for safety's sake you should stop it, turn it back around, tighten the bolt, attempt to start it again, hit a hidden piece of concrete and have to stop it again to wind the unraveled cord back on again. After this has happened another two times, and any other strange things you can't predict (as I've said, they're individuals), you'll have reached the last part of your yard (you should always do the back first so that this happens at the front, making the yard look worse), just as you edge towards the driveway and begin down the home stretch, the cord will strike air being pushed back against itself from the ground, which will be enough to make the head fly off again, along with the cord, which is now flying towards your face as the arm has swung around again. At this point, duck. When you stand up again, the engine would have stopped and every other male in the neighbourhood will have walked out into their yard to see it happen. Carefully do all necessary steps to get the wipper-snipper ready to go again and pull the cord. When it doesn't start, pull it another 33 times. When it doesn't start, drop it, swear at it, kick it, pick it up, punch it, swear at it again, and then carry it back to the shed and put it away.

Congratulations, you have successfully used a wipper-snipper. As far as I can tell, there is no other way and no better result to be had, so feel proud of yourself. Me and Stupid get to this stage every time and we're starting to get quite a good relationship built on some sort of self-masochistic hatred. If you try as hard as this, you too could have as good a relationship as me and Stupid. Anyone that thinks there is a better way, or that they are well-made machines, or that it is a good thing you spend an entire day in this practice, is crazy. Go have a beer and remember the fallen ones, happy in the knowledge that the battle begins again in two weeks time. In the meantime, rest, recuperate, and try to forget the horrors of your war, so that when the time comes, you can go blindly into the fray again, crazy like a berserker, echoing the hidden pains of your neighbouring fathers as the Sunday ritual forever continues.