The Grind

 

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IT MAKES SENSE

Sitting at the table having dinner after a bit of a stressful day for the Mrs and I, and I said something I probably shouldn't have, that was probably a bit harsh (identified by that certain look and a moment of pure cold) and so we were officially fighting I guess. Little Miss Mango, who's always concerned about the state of everyone else's relationships, came up with an apt solution straight away.
"Just wiggle your bum." That stopped me, "Dad, just wiggle your bum."
At which point she demonstrated - Oh, now I understand. I looked at my wife to see if it would work. Despite my daughter's assurance, I'm not sure if the time was right.



THE FACTS OF LIFE PART 3


We were at Movie World. Mrs Mango and Little Mango 1 were on some scary ride that I'm to chicken to go on and Little Miss Mango needed to go to the toilet. So, pushing Little Mango 3 in the pram and hurrying the little miss along to the toilet, I got my game plan of how to handle it. Little Mango 3 would have to stay in the pram and I would keep the toilet door open so I could still be close.
You know how men's toilets are generally pretty loud places - not just toilet noise I mean, but like talking and taps turning on and off, and cleaner's doing their jobs. Well that was this toilet as the little miss started doing her business. I don't know what it is about toilets but it always gets her thinking. She looked at me and sternly said,
'Boys have doodles, but girls don't have doodles. Girls just have bums.'
Except, remember when I said that men's toilets are noisy? Yeah.... that's right, except when Little Miss Mango said, 'girls don't have doodles. Girls just have bums' -that's when every noise in the room stopped and I felt the listening ears of everyone in the room. She finished up and I took her, ignoring the looks, to wash her hands, where the cleaner was now working. After asking him if she could use the sink in the best big-girl voice she had, she looked at him and then at me, and in the exact same tone of voice said, 'He has a doodle.'
All right - toilet break over - let's go!





LANGUAGE, CHILDREN PART 2



Grandma Mango was over at our house on the weekend a couple of weekends back and was out in the garden with Little Miss Mango. Straining to do something, Little Miss Mango let loose with her newly discovered, 'Oh shit.'
Grandma Mango was so flabbergasted that she sent Little Miss Mango straight into her mother to tell her what she had said and await the punishment. Mrs Mango waited patiently for her to speak.
'Go on, you tell Mummy what you just said.'
I don't know if there was a look before she said it but there was definitely some sort of consideration there somewhere.
'Oh fuck!'
Check. Mate.



FAIR ENOUGH

We were having breakfast at a questionable fast food chain the other morning, of which it's most appealing factor was the adjoining playground. The two eldest Mango children were running around like crazy people with their cousins playing. At one point they ran into the eating area and up to our table, that pleasant sound of happy screaming accompanying them, much to the disdain of fellow eaters. I said to Little Miss Mango, who was doing the screaming, 'Honey, we need to be a bit quieter in here, please - no screaming.' I think she only heard the word screaming as she preceded to cover her ears and release the most awe-inspiring bellow I've ever heard directly into my face and then run off back to the playground as if I'd said nothing at all.



IT'S WRONG TO THINK THAT

We were staying at a distant relative's house for a couple of days and there was a young boy living there that started to get on my nerves about two seconds after walking in the door. Could have been his slightly obnoxious nature, his age, or the way he was treating my son. Whatever it was, it led me to have a strange reaction to something that happened on Day 3. By this stage, I had reached my wits and was dangling precariously over the end.

'Watch me do a crazy dance – can you watch me – look at my crazy dance! Do you like my crazy dance?'

At which point, he proceeded to do a very crazy dance – sort of like a mix of crump and an interpretative dance of a caterpillar being electrocuted – I must say it was amazing! Half way through the dance I guess, he did a move I will never forget. He twisted his body about 170 degrees, threw his head down and took both his feet and put them high in the air. Obviously in his short, annoying little life he hadn't had much experience with gravity, so naturally was a little shocked when he dropped head first, twisted at some ungodly angle and hit the ground hard. He was hurt of course, although in the end not badly, and went off crying. When he came out again a couple of minutes later feeling much better and off doing insane things again, as if nothing had even happened; once I knew he was perfectly okay and there would be no lasting effects of his little adventure (please note this bit, that I made sure he was okay), only then did I say something.

When there was only a few of us sitting around the table, excluding the boy's parents of course, I turned to everyone and in a matter-of-fact way asked,

'So did anyone else sort of like his crazy dance?'

THE FUN OF MARRIAGE

A text message conversation I had today with Mrs Mango that amused me for a couple of minutes.
Mrs Mango: Can't find some of the thingies the screws screw into 4 the toddler bed. Any ideas?
Me: Hmmm... Don't know thought they were all in there have you checked the bed itself?
Mrs Mango: Yep.
Me: Not sure..... is my sister there yet?
Mrs Mango: No.
Me: One word answers hey?
Mrs Mango: What do you want me to say? No ur sister has not arrived yet. It doesn't help me find the screw things while making sentences and I'm running out of time before they arrive. Is this long enough for you?
Me: Yes.
Mrs Mango: U mean 'yes it is long enough darling wife. I'm on my way home to fix the problem.'
Me: No.




THE SHORT POLICE

At Little Miss Mango's birthday, the funny kid from next door walked up to a friend of mine who is, I guess, on the shorter side of the scale. He looked him up and down and remarked,
'Hmm...... you are a short adult.' A moment of pause to let that thought settle amongst the adults surrounding him, 'Possibly the shortest in Australia.'

(END SCENE)



PSYCHOLOGY IN REVERSE

Little Miss Mango drops a piece of rubbish on the floor in the dining room, whilst pushing around a toy shopping trolley.
'Honey can you pick that up and put it in the bin, please?' Mrs Mango says.
'No I can't put it in the bin,' she answers as she picks it and starts putting it in the trolley.
'No, honey - not the trolley, can you put it in the BIN please?' my wife has so much patience.
'No, no - not the bin. I can't put it in the bin.' She continues to put it in the trolley.
'All right, honey - can you put it in the trolley, please?' I chime in, in jest.
'Ok, I'll put it in the bin.' And off she toddles.



SMASH

Little Mango 3 was eating his breakfast this morning, the first time ever we have given him a porcelain bowl to eat from (because he won't let us feed him, that would be too childish). I've explained before how Little Mango 3 signifies he's finished his meal, so really we should have expected.
It actually sounded like it exploded as it hit the ground, expelling Nutri-Grain and milk, and bits of porcelain like shrapnel for a five metre radius around him. He looked over the edge of his high chair down at his creation, or destruction. Then he sees his spoon still sitting on the tray in front of him. Well, the tray's not clean, is it? Tinkle, tinkle, clang was the sound it made as it hit the ground, another corpse in the debris of his doing. Then he looks down at it all again, considering it as if he's just come upon it and doesn't understand how it could possibly have happened.
The sound he made then was, 'Ohhhhhhh.......'

 

THE BIG QUESTION?
 

Returning to the subject of the beginning of the universe, Little Mango 1 showed me he hadn't quite grasped the concept yet. But come on, I mean, he's six.

'When did the big bang happen?'

'I long, long, long time ago – before the dinosaurs and all that. It was a very long process making planets and life and stuff - around 13.7 billion years ago.'

'And that was when Jesus was born?'

A pause, trying to understand what he said, 'Was Jesus born 13.7 billion years ago?'

'Yeah.

'No.'

THE FACTS OF LIFE PART 2

'Daddy, you watch me dance.'

'Okay, sweetie – go for it.'

Now picture a three-year-old girl in the dining room, with the whole family watching, doing interpretative dance as a wizard with bad legs. Not very graceful, but very very cute.

'That's wonderful, honey. What is that dance?'

'I'm a stingray.'

'Oh, a stingray – that's cool. Do you need a tail? Stingrays have tails.'

'I don't have a tail.' Matter-of-factly, fair enough.

'You could use your hand and pretend it's a tail.'

A moment of pause, and some sort of dot-connecting going on there somewhere in Little Miss Mango's head, well beneath the scenes..

'You have a doodle.'

(END SCENE)

KIDS NEED HAPPINESS

I do stretches, some might say it's yoga, in the morning so my forty-year-old back doesn't destroy me throughout the day, probably caused from spending too long at a computer and sitting against doors of trains.

Little Mango likes pushing a walker around in the morning, at top speed wherever he goes. He found a great game the other day – running the pusher into my head whilst I was on the floor, twisted around in some awkward position and couldn't stop him. He thought that was pretty funny so kept at it – I don't think zen masters had this in mind when they invented this particular activity, but I thought it showed great ingenuity by Little Mango 3 to know when someone was down and couldn't get up, and how to exploit that for his own amusement. He also likes touching you on the face as you sit next to him at the dining table, bringing you closer and close because you like the couple of moments quality time with him. After several long, gentle movements on your cheek, he stops, looks at the cheek, then at his flat palmed hand, then at the cheek again. Then he slaps you. Shows you for trusting him.

TECHNICALITIES

Little Mango 1 is having a bit of difficulty understanding love and marriage.

'Why are you and mummy married?'

'Because we love each other, and so we got married.'

'When I grow up, I'm going to marry (Little Mango 2).'

'You can't marry your sister – it's not allowed.'

'But I love her. I'm going to marry her.'

'You can't marry her. I know you love her, but that's different from loving someone you marry.'

'That's not fair.' Almost bursts into tears here.

'I'm sorry mate, there's nothing I can do.'

'Fine, I'm going to marry (Little Mango COUSIN) then instead.'

A sigh from me, 'You can't marry her.....' I do a quick calculation anyway just for fun and figure out they are actually third cousins, 'Well, actually technically you probably could, but it's not going to happen!'

TELLING OFF

This is a common argument at the dinner table.

'Mango 1, sit down and eat. Stop getting distracted.'

'I'm not getting distracted.'

A little angrier, 'Just sit down and eat!'

'Sit down and eat!' from Little Miss Mango in a parrot-like fashion.

'Mango 2, it's got nothing to do with you – you're not eating your dinner either.'

A few moments go by.

'Little Mango 1 – what have I said about using your fingers? Cut it out!'

An angry growl and then, 'Cut it out!' from Little Mango 2.

'Be quiet you.'

'No.'

'Fine.'

'No.'

'Whatever.  Mango 1, feet down – jesus!.'

'Feet down, jesus!'

'Mango 2 – stop talking. You're not a parent.'

'No!'

'Do you need to go to your room?'

'No.'

'Then be quiet. Mango 2, what the hell are you doing now?'

'Hell are you doing now?!!!!'

A furious blink, sigh, and repeat.

LANGUAGE, CHILDREN

In a conversation with her mum, Little Miss Mango said the 'shit'. Not sure if it was on purpose or not.

'Don't say that honey, it's not a very nice word.'

'Okay mum.' As if it were the end of it, then, 'I won't say shit.'

Now at several intervals she will, out of the blue just say, 'Don't worry. I won't say shit.'

Lesson learned.

EXERCISE

When talking about Little Mango 1's upcoming sports carnival.

'And then there's a gun, and when it goes bang, then you run,' he explains.

'That's it and go as fast as you can and try to win.'

'Yeah, but sometimes you may to stop to get your breath back.'

'No you can get your breath back at the end of the race - it's not a very long race.'

'Yes, but I don't want to get puffed.'

'Forget about that, it's okay to get puffed - just try and beat everyone else.'

'Or at least try and keep up with them, that's all we really want, mate,' his mother chimed in.

He looked at both of us like he simply had no I idea what we were talking about.

EVIL KENEVAL

Little Mango 3, wanted to as big as or bigger than his two older siblings. 

When not running into people's heads or slapping them, he scoots around on his sister's motorised four-wheeler, and likes it best when she doesn't sit on the back and slow him down. In fact, when she does this, he shoves her off like a good brother should But this isn't enough to prove how awesome he is, now he waits until his mother is watching, puts his feet on the seat of the machine and stands, holds the handlebars and goes. Can't wait till he starts setting up jumps.

ABOUT A BOY

Mrs Mango visited Little Mango 1's grade one classroom recently and saw the work he had been doing. She found his diary the most interesting, especially the ABOUT ME section.

Name: LITTLE MANGO 1

Age: 6

Likes: Garlic bread, Sleeping

Dislikes: LITTLE MANGO 2, running

Things I'm Good at: Playing the Wii, Sleeping

Well, can't help what you're good at.

 THE UNEXPECTED

Little Mango 1 had an itchy-bite on his butt, probably from running around without pants as much as he can possibly get away with. We put some cream on it, read him a story and put him to bed. Now, usually Little Mango 1 has a list of fifty possible things that he might need to do at around 8pm, that will need him to get out of bed.... and waste time. After putting him to bed, I went off and tidied up a bit whilst my wife checked my blog for spelling errors and missing paragraphs. Now where our computer is, you can see into the main bathroom. When I came back after about fifteen minutes, I came up behind my wife and read over her shoulder. Then out of the corner of my eye, I noticed movement in the bathroom. I looked over and saw Little Mango 1, bottomless, standing on the edge of the bath, turned around, butt out, head around looking in the mirror. Obviously the itchy bite was quite interesting as he was investigating so intensely, tongue slightly out of his mouth in effort, wiggling his butt back and forth to get the best possible angle. I looked down at my wife who was still reading and hadn't noticed.

'So, did you know he was still awake?'

REGRETS

Every night we read Little Miss Mango Dr Seuss' ABC- she's going through that phase where it's the same book every night. The most predictable bit is when we get to R.

'Big R, Little R. Rosy Robin Ross. Rosy's going riding on her red rhinoceros.' (That was completely by memory, I could go on if you like)

With a sad voice, like she's only just realised, 'I can't ride a rhinoceros.'

A comforting smile and turn the page – maybe one day....