I'd like to present Exhibit A

So there you have it. Proven, by science, men do not wake up to crying children. Crying children aren't even in the man's Top 10 things that will wake him up. This was proven by a study from The MindLab at the Sussex University, a lab engaged in Neuromarketing(?), but whose findings I will take to the bank nonetheless. I know this study is true, for certain, because it wouldn't matter if Little Mango 3 was right beside me screaming in my ear, and I'll admit he has in the past (though in the care of his mother at the time, not just by himself there screaming while I sleep), I would absolutely not hear a thing. In fact, you know how things you hear create dreams relating to those things - I've never even had one of those either. I simply do not hear him. Never have. Probably never will.

That's not to say I don't want to be able to. I'm pretty sure it would put me in better stead with Mrs Mango, as there's often been mornings when I've burst awake out of deep sleep at the sound of one of the mangos crying, rushed out of the bedroom to their rescue like some sort of domesticated superhero, only to find her zombie-walking around the house, slightly pissed off, but more just so tired that she isn't able to articulate as well as normal as she has already been up with the child in question for several hours without my knowledge. Without my knowledge; I should say without me even knowing I'm in a bed, that's how asleep I've been (it's actually amazing how asleep I can get - once I was so asleep on the train that I almost fell out of it at one untimely stop, thanks very much fellow train goers standing around me). As I gallantly take the bawling babes from her hands and send her off back to bed, like I'm doing her a favour, I'm sure the look she gives me could strip the skin off a speeding zebra (I'm not sure what that means). Needless to say, if she gave me that look while I was asleep, she would probably boil my brain (it might wake me up at least, though probably not). And it's happened many, many, many, many times. I don't know what I can do about it. If I'm awake, and late at night I usually still am, it's fine. But as soon as I decide it's time for bed, possibly seconds before hitting the pillow (that's how committed I am), I'm asleep. Absolutely, dead-to-the-world, deep black hole and floating clouds, asleep. Nothing you can do.

So after having one of these little episodes last night (several disturbances, no wakes - great odds!), I thought I'd look it up. And here is the quote I found that I will give to my wife next time it happens (probably not straight away, as I said before, when she gives me that look, no man on earth can speak for a couple of minutes) and I think it sums up the situation brilliantly. When referring to the list above of the different things that will wake males and females from deep sleep, this is the conclusion the scientists at The MindLab made:

"These differing sensitivities may represent evolutionary differences that make women sensitive to sounds associated with a potential threat to their children while men are more finely tuned to disturbances posing a possible threat to the whole family."

There you have it! Whilst we may look like we're asleep, we're actually on the prowl, ears and instincts at the ready, waiting for the threat to come, waiting for the inevitable battle every man must make for the very lives of his beloved family. So while women might find it desirable that their men help out more in the ways of the house during the hours of nod, and I try to as much as I can though perhaps I could always do a bit more, isn't it more important that I am where evolution has led me to be - isn't there something important about keeping the big picture in mind and keeping the man where he is? Because he is doing his job. Though he may look asleep. Very damn asleep. The reality is there is no rest for men either because at any moment he may need to jump to action and take on a burglar, or a drunken teenager, or save the family from a house fire, or a giant panther (you never know); and save everybody, not just one person, but the entire family, especially the little man and tired woman who wake throughout the night.

There's some things... you just can't deny.