Just play nice!

Ok so it's a Leprechaun and not a dwarf but come on, they're

both mythical creatures!  

 I wanted to say something more about the judgemental dwarf. I brought him up the other day and I liked the idea so much I thought I might explore it a bit more. The judgemental dwarf was the one that was constantly berating me as I did my tightrope juggle over pools of uncertainty. It's perhaps just a way of explaining a feeling you have about your time as a parent, and might not necessarily describe an actual living, breathing dwarf... but then again maybe it does, I mean realistically, statistically, somewhere in the world, there's bound to be at least one vertically-challenged individual who may get a bit opinionated when it comes to others people's, especially other parents', life choices. And I must admit, that at times it might feel like the things I write here may seem to lay on the judgemental dwarf side of things, as far as the stories I use to illustrate my point and the messages they imply, but there is actually a great difference. I generally have a very positive view of parents, and think that most of the time they are doing their absolute best to raise their family in a world and time that's as complicated as it is, and judgement should be avoided in almost every case because at it's heart it accomplishes nothing. Analysis, however, is different as we can learn from it, free of opinionated ridiculousness. I mean, there will be times, and most of these are the ones I use in my stories, where the utter stupidity of parents takes your breath away and common sense would seem to have been thrown completely out the window, but all said and done I think parents are trying their best. Sounds pretty diplomatic, hey? Pretty grey – well the judgemental dwarf does not see grey, only black and white.

No, the judgemental dwarf is a completely different kettle of fish (I think I might find where that saying came from?). The judgemental dwarf is the one that stands outside your family, looking in, judging every visible move you make with a disapproving eye. Unpracticed, uneducated, unsympathetic, completely unhelpful. And unfortunately, sometimes already a parent, or been one. Everybody knows somebody that does it, probably several people, and you are hopefully thinking of that person right now. I mean, it's different from a person just venting frustrations - you can be frustrated with something someone is doing without discounting their abilities as a parent or human being. But the judgemental dwarf can't. Everything - black and white, right or wrong, good or bad. I guess it comes from the fact that the more you know about something, the closer you find yourself to sitting on the fence and the harder it is to make a solid opinion - well, the judgemental dwarf, he doesn't know very much at all. In his little, angry eyes, you are either doing the most fantastic job as a parent, or you are the worst parent on Earth. I find it usually comes from sources who haven't been down the same river as you (there are very few people who have), haven't read what you've read, or learnt empirically what you have learnt, but decide to have an absolute opinion on your exact position anyway. We've recently seen it on television with Jackie O and babies and things, and Koshie and that woman from the show after, and every other week on the Today shows when they're on about one of the recycled anger stories. Honestly people, don't be fooled by these stories - they aren't important stories or even interesting topics - they are things they know people are passionate and opinionated about, and if you're passionate about something, even angry about something, then you'll tune in.... and watch the ads. It's why soapies have the same cyclical formula - it keeps the punters coming back - call me cynical or call me realistic.
All it really becomes is lots of people voicing their opinions, in very aggressive ways, on how someone else should raise their child. Honestly, it's got absolutely nothing to do with anyone else, nobody knows the specific situation Jacki O or whoever is in, or their beliefs on raising a child, or what the past has taught them – therefore the only opinion given by anyone else should be supportive and understanding – seriously back the f$%& off! (Sorry I would have actually sworn properly there but I'm very aware of my audience). Unfortunately, it's not in the judgemental dwarf's best interest to be understanding or supportive - that will not do at all.

See, the biggest problem with the judgemental dwarf, like most small men with great power, he's so friggen aggressive. This causes so many problems, and puts so much pressure on parents today that we generally don't know whether anything we do moment-to-moment is right, are constantly self-analysing and second-guessing; believing one person, then another, and generally turning what should be the very proud and age-old tradition of bringing your child into the world and giving them what they need for a great life, into a free-for-all war. It's turned a fun, loving time in your life, into an anxiety-ridden pain in the ass that people spend decades trying to avoid. Us Mangos decided to do it anyway - despite the comments and unfortunate looks we were given and continue to be given, despite isolating ourselves from so many other people in our generation, despite the judgemental dwarf on his worldly, much-experienced high-horse, because it was what we wanted, in our own free minds, to do. We weren't forced to because of ill-timed accidents, or the clocks of age chasing us, but because we made a decision and chose. It's something we did then, and constantly try to keep in our minds now - to get back to what we want. 

Now if we all just stopped listening to the flapping of gums coming from the judgemental dwarf, and concentrated on what we knew and wanted (and it's very hard, I know), then we would get so much more done, and I believe we'd all be happier (plus the new generation of teenagers that are around today wouldn't be as weird as they are - kidding, everybody – I'm not actually that old yet – no, I've always disliked teenagers). Being under the thumb of this maniacal miniature megalomaniac means parents can't concentrate on their jobs; the jobs that are biologically programmed into them, because of all the ridiculous words being thrown around. Natural births, breastfeeding or bottle, cloth nappies or plastic, wooden toys or plastic, real baby food or plastic, behaviour management, education, obesity for gods sake (I don't actually think there is any more or less fat kids than when I was young, we're just seeing more because we're told to) – all these things and more are constant public battle grounds for something that is very, very private. Everybody has their own opinion, and will at one time or another be by themselves, with no outward advice or pressure, and be forced to make their own decision on them. This we need to understand and respect with a bit of compassion. Mrs Mango and I have very clear views on all of these topics and absolutely believe we are correct in what we believe, and although a little talking amongst ourselves is always done, we know that these are our views and the beauty of living in a free land is that there are plenty of others. It doesn't mean you have to agree, it just means you have to accept. Otherwise you're just punching a scared dog – I mean, it's already scared, there's no reason to beat the piss out of it (oops, let that one slide) just to make you feel better. And I'm pretty sure that's why the judgemental dwarf does it, so he can feel better, and more secure with how little he knows, without ever needing to show it. But I guess what he doesn't know is that nobody knows very much in the scheme of things, nobody can predict the future and say that the course they are going down is absolutely correct, everybody has to discover it for themselves, everybody has to round this curve alone. 

And one day, when the judgemental dwarf gets to be in the same position, when he gets to the curve himself, and his little angry dwarf children are running amok around his scared and confused midget body, throwing spaghetti at the wall and smacking each other over their big heads with tiny blocks of wood, he's only going to have himself: to come to a conclusion, make a decision, and choose which side of the fence he sits and what type of parent he will be. And, like every parent who finds themselves in this position, he will find himself judged by the rest of the world.

PS - No offence is intended by the word "dwarf" or the subsequent descriptions. And as stated above, this does not relate to any specific living human being, but is a construct of my imagination, a metaphor perhaps (although I'm not sure about that...). Besides, if I were actually describing a living human being, I would not use that word. The words freak and carnie are so much more descriptive. 

PPS - I just realised that perhaps that last statement may be construed to suggest that I think all short people are circus performers. This is not the case as I believe you need a certain amount of dexterity and the ability to stretch your arms above your head, and don't think most shorter individuals would cut it in a world that contains Cirque de Soleil.

PPPS - I think I'm still getting taking out of context a little (sorry, excuse the pun). I actually think the vertically-challenged are a necessary and awesome part of a diverse culture. Why, once I saw a shorter individual relaxing on a crowded public beach while his topless wife of average height fished for their dinner in front of him and I thought that he probably couldn't get any cooler than that. Plus, the best part was that he was fully clothed. Just awesome!